Visiting Hours

I awoke the next morning with a stiff neck and nausea. I wasn't sure if it was caused by the smell of sterility in the air or the news I received last night, but nonetheless I needed to escape. I walked down the hallway and out into the sunlight. The feeling of the brisk February air filling my lungs brought me back to life. Well, that, and Officer Jenkins standing next to his cruiser puffing down his Class A cigarette. This wasn't a dream. What was happening around me was very real. Sirens, gurneys, and blood escaping an elderly man's carotid artery. I guess this was my proverbial awakening. For someone who has been so akin to hitting the pavement and sprinting at the first sign of things getting too real, I vowed right then and there to let this one play out. Just as I aligned my thoughts, Officer Jenkins tipped his cap to me, so I strided off my perch and towards him. He was stomping out a smoke and popping in a Tums simultaneously as I reached him.
  "You thought anymore about last night son?" he said with a mouthful of saliva, from what I assumed was a side effect of him taking antacids like they are going out of style.

  "To be frank Officer, I don't think it has hit me yet."

  "Just call me Jenks from now on. You aren't under arrest after all."

  "Alright Jenks, what's the status quo now?"

  "Well, I guess my next question is, do you wanna see her?"

 I didn't quite know how to answer Jenks. He was used to these types of situations. Helping people through tough times and all that jazz. The most difficult thing I can account for is when my dog Jem died when I was 11. And to make matters worse, I didn't really even know this woman. I had this vision of who she was in my mind, but who's to know if she would even want me in the room? From what I can recollect from Jenks, Jenny had been through so much already in life. And I'm just this guy she had a study date with. A first study date. But since my name was in her planner, this is where I found myself. Standing outside Mass Gen, wondering where I'd be if none of this would have happened.
  "Son, she's looking for something. I don't know if it's a familiar face or a friend, but the way she looked up when I spoke your name, I think it might be you."

   I thought again for a second, looked back at Jenks and then spoke.
   "Can I bum one of those cigs?"


To be continued...

-DD

This is just the beginning?

  I've always had a history of disappearing when life got too real. I made sure as soon as something started to tug at my senses I kept it distant and slowly bounded away, safe and sound within myself. That was until I met Jenny my junior year of college. I was sitting in one of my many lectures fall semester and as casually as the sun rises, she sat down next to me. I felt a rush of initial lust engulf me at first, but by the time she spoke, my heart was hers. Such effortless elegance in the way she articulated her thoughts. She had a cavalier attitude that would make you think she'd rub people the wrong way, but nevertheless she was adored by all those that crossed her path, including me. It took me till finals week to finally muster up the manhood to say anything to her. Two agonizing months of me twiddling my thumbs and acting like a sorority girl before I finally opened my mouth.
  "Hey Jenny, you think we might be able to work on this together? I am a little lost on the last chapter," I sputtered out like a prepubescent schoolboy.
  "Sure, Tom. I'll meet you in the library around 6:30. You bring the coffee."
  Tom. That was my name? I had almost forgotten what it was, but the moment she said it, well, she brought new life to it. I anxiously awaited the time to come to meet up with Jenny. I stood in front of the mirror, practicing some lines like I was studying a Shakespeare sonnet, all the while watching time tick at a snail's pace. I decided to take a quick nap. After all, I told myself, I needed all my wits about me to even have a shot at wooing this one. There was a heavy knock on my door that awoke me at 7:56. I remember the time so vividly because what came after changed who I was forever.
  "I'm looking for a Tom Wilshire," a burly police officer said as I wiped sleep from my eyes.
  "Yes, I'm Tom."
  "Son, I think it's best if you sit down."


To be continued...

-DD

 

A Recipe for Redemption

It's interesting listening to others people's beliefs. Everyone has their own tailor-made idea of how it all works, or at least they sometimes think they do. One of my beliefs is to not let your mind escape and be molded by the mongering masses. Throughout my life, I have gone from one extreme to the other. Belief, lack thereof, belief. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. We all have two people inside of us. A head and a heart. And while its great when they work together, sometimes it's not so simple.
 The life I've lived is nothing out of a storybook. I don't have any deep traumas to report or ongoing psychological issues spicing things up. Simplicity. My parents never split up. We never lived in a car filled with our belongings. There was never a lack of food on the table or broken glass on the floor, and for that, I feel incredibly fortunate. But all those aside, the one thing I am so grateful to experience growing up was that of Love. My parents showered my siblings and I in it, and they continue to show us every day what it looks like.
 You might be wondering where this whole thing is going. 'He started on belief and now is talking about love'. But you see, they are one in the same. In the book of Dylan, it says to love. To love and to be loved is one of the most indescribable feelings one can experience. It's to feel someone's pain through the hardships, and to be overcome with joy during the good. It's being kind and thoughtful with no need for reciprocation. It's thinking twice before you speak. It is being as carefree as a child on a swing set, feeling the air rush through them as they pump their legs back and forth. No matter how short of a stick life gives you, my greatest belief is that love is there, and no one should give up on it. So go on. Love with reckless abandon. Love those deemed no good. Love the young and the old. Love the past and the future.
  So don't go through your life wracking your brain to come up with all the answers, because it is an impossibility to put your finger on everything. When it all boils down, and the final turn of the clock comes, just remember the love you gave, because that is the love you will receive. In the simplest terms, that's what I believe, that God is Love, and it is the greatest of all.

-DD

Star Power Syndrome

Pondering upon life and death and all the nostalgia of growing up and gaining momentum can put a lot of things into perspective. As a child, I was so adept at living and thinking like I was the next big thing, an unshakeable force. And I think it's common knowledge that most of us as children believe that success and fame and riches will all be waiting in the wind whenever we decide to grab it. It's quite a abrupt realization when you wake up one day, and the idea of being Mr. Big Shot isn't so clear, it's not so much in the foreground as it is in the clouds. I think I'm fine with not winning anything. I'm fine with not having my name in lights or being a household name. I'm fine not being a Facebook all-star or Twitter famous or an unstoppable Instagram force. Like a lot of things in life, these are all temporary. They are all vain perceptions of a generation living in a bubble. A bubble that will one day pop leaving those inside dirty and worn-out. Not physically worn-out but exhausted from all the energy they spent from trying to become this useless virtual version of themselves.

  Maybe I'm preaching to the choir or becoming a broken record. Maybe none of you will read this for my lack of internet prowess is too low to even be acknowledged. All of that is just fine with me, because I am already successful. I am rich in love. Rich in family. Blessed every day with the ability to roll myself out of bed(easier said than done), splash water on my face, and feel alive. And for that, I want to thank all of you. Those who are apart of my life right now. Those who have been apart but have been absent for one reason or another. Those who I have yet to meet but are already pre-ordained to become a part of my life. And yes, even you, virtual rockstar, for without you we wouldn't know where the decay of good-natured human beings began or how the morality and affability in our strung-out, addiction-crazed society disappeared. I am fine with blending in with the crowd, because to some people, and you know who you are, I am the star, in real life, in the flesh. And that's all I really need.

-DD

A sunburn is just what I needed.

They say people change like the seasons. But her? Nah, she was like a never ending summer. She kept me alive with her late nights and spontaneity. She was hot, like the pavement in August. Her face shined like the sun on my drives home from work. That laugh, well, it was as infectious as the boys' across the street streaking through the stream of a simple lawn sprinkler. Everything was simpler when she was around. It was the birds chirping and the flowers blooming type of feeling. Things normally seen so commonplace, you forget they are happening, but when you really stop to look and listen, it can truly take one's breathe away. And above all, I loved her like teenage boys and girls love a summers night out. I relished every moment, knowing that if I didn't take my chances, she would be gone, too, like the heat. Too many times I've been left in winters cold, and this particular time, I vied not to get complacent. I wanted to suck in the pollen. Feel the heat. Climb her like a tree. For the first time in my life, I knew what it was like to be me.

-DD

Just what the doctor ordered.

It didn't begin the way most love stories do, and let's be honest, what does anymore? But it was planted with hope, with openness, with belief, that what they were doing was going to grow. The seedling started to slowly makes it's way out of the ground, making them start to take notice. Through the coming months, though, it was battered with fear of commitment, and the busyness of everyday life. But nonetheless, it stayed rooted to the ground, and the longer they saw it there, the more frequent they began to water it. The more often they began to prune the bad from it, making it come alive. And slowly, but surely, it grew and it grew, till it's strength could weather any storm that was thrown at it. It's flowers bloomed into beautiful flowers, and those involved gazed at it with great hope. That together, they can make beautiful things happen despite all that might be thrown at them. They called it love.

This fruit salad is lacking some ingredients...

  I tend to rack my brain every dull moment and start to get extremely introspective on what this is all for. No, I don't have a clear definition, if I did, the whole thing would be over. I have a few ideas though. Maybe we should stop standing flat footed on the track and leap into the grass, leaving our jeans stained in green. Maybe we should start living deliberately. We should give up on trying to squeeze ourselves into that mold that's overused and commonplace. We are way too big for that. Big in a sense that we have so much unabridged ability that it would be disastrous to be frozen and dropped into someones drink just to provide them with some comfortability, only to melt and be deemed no good, and thrown out. I want to be on the top shelf, the one that we reached for when we were little kids. We grow up and everything becomes so easy to grab ahold of, and yet, there are still vast amounts that haven't been acknowledged yet. Don't ever stop reaching, stretching, searching for all that there is. Light yourself up and soar into the sky until you burn out. Until it is black.



The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but it can be made into sauce, cider, or pie. The epitome of existence. Make yourself into whatever you choose, be fearless, fruitful, and passionate in whatever you endeavor. Dream so deep that the thought of them running dry becomes absurd in your mind. Step off the ledge, fall face first into the sea of subsistence.

Awakening, Unabridged

The sun came up, just like every other ordinary day. This day seemed different though. The sun shined a little brighter, the wind blew a little brisker, and my heart beat a little harder. I breathed in deep, as if I was trying to suck in every last bit of oxygen available in the air. I ran my fingers through my hair, caressing every strand as it escaped the grasp of my hand. Then, I began to walk. I began to think. I began to see. All of this world's vast uncertainties were put here for you and me. To explore. To travel. To adventure. To never settle. To grab life by the throat and choke the life out of it. It's interesting how we are conditioned to follow this straight and narrow path of pre-conceived righteousness. So many of us need to tear the blindfold from our eyes, pull the plugs out of our ears, and examine the entity of our lives. I began to get sick to my stomach, but I trudged on, one heavy-hearted step after the other. A break in the pavement caused me to lose my balance, leaving my palms scraped and knees dirty. As I began to reposition my sunglasses onto my face, I looked up at the sun. It's brightness and warmth opened me up. Just then, I began to run. In my best Forrest Gump impression, I ran until I couldn't run anymore, taking in every facet of life around me. Indeed, I had the best behind-the-scenes look at the most original, beautiful set ever built. My life.

Today is my favorite day.

An overwhelming abundance of panic filled my chest as I walked briskly toward my most recent job interview. All the self-doubt, indecisiveness, and general lack of interest that had plagued me for so long had started to resurface itself back into my life. My mind was evaluating my goals and dreams as I pressed pavement onward. I worked so hard to justify me being where I am, I didn't want a little uneasiness to divert me from being successful. But then it hit me. I was miserable where I was at. The tie wearing, brain wracking, it was all a joke. These people around me, they were nothing. I was nothing. And if I got this job, I would continue to be nothing. We are all so caught up trying to be important and wealthy that we lose sight of our hearts. The most influential thing I was ever told was follow your heart. And damnit if I'm going to let some three hundred dollar shoe wearin' fuck tell me how to dress, when to get up, what to eat for breakfast, and how many creamers to drop into my coffee. People will tell me 'that's just the generation X coming out of you, lazy, good-for-nothing,  with your loose morals and unfulfilled dreams.'  Be it as it may, this whole life deal doesn't have to be cut and dry. Maybe I want to paint some days, finding solace in a sunrise. Maybe I want to travel, experience another world and all of the variances of life. Sometimes I might want to get dirty and work till my hands blister and my feet begin to bark. Or just delve into my soul and search my spirit for some truth. Maybe some days I just want to write. Write poems. Write prose. Write things so off the wall that even the sky can't comprehend what I'm trying to put down. Maybe I want to write about me and you, and all our nuances and idiosyncrasies  I could write about people I haven't even met yet. It's all too easy to turn into a matter of fact, a soldier in the trenches fighting his way to the top of the decaying pyramid which is his life. Instead, today, I am going to write.


And maybe the next day too.


-DD