Plans for Pity Party?

This blog is going to be a horrendous attempt at writing, but something is telling me to get my fingers to work, so here I go. I have erased and rewritten the beginning of this blog about fifteen times, and nothing seems to suffice to what I want to say. There is so much going on right now that I can't even pinpoint where to start. When things start to go good, you begin to take for granted the little things in life, like hanging out with friends, staying out late, etc., etc. I think its time I put a lot of shit into perspective for once. I am no good at being in a relationship. I can't seem to get over what others might think or what my own mind and body wants. I can't get close enough to a person anymore to be able to truly open up to them. I cannot tell you the last time I have confided in someone wholeheartedly. I have a pretty good group of friends, but sometimes I think they aren't friends at all. I have been treated so shitty by some people that I constantly think others just don't care. There have been times where I have gotten into some trouble, but no one seems to show any compassion. I feel like a tremendous wallflower screaming to get out of the background and into something with some substance. I know a lot of people think I am a shitty person, but I do the best I can to be me, whoever that is. Things have been less than perfect for me this year, but I guess I only have myself to blame for that.

I want to find a real friend who won't treat me like a last option or a bench player on a basketball team.

Thinking back on what I just wrote, I am sure most people who read this will not really care, but I guess that's all right. I'm not asking anyone to throw a pity party for me or anything. I just want to be shown love, compassion and wholehearted friendship.

I guess I am just another bleak gap in time. You know, the kind of moment where you forget right after.